venting. just venting ..

[Amaia]

K, so ya. You don't have to read this. Or you can. It would be nice to get help .. -sigh. I just need to vent. About .. well everything. Life.

School. School started, and I hate it already, I'm a sophomore and freshmen are bullying me. I got betted to be dated already again. There is this creep that wont leave me alone. My teachers aren't caring about this. I cant trust anyone at my school anymore. I have no friends there anymore, my German teacher cant even help anymore. I am tired of being everyones punching bag. I swear, I'm just a useless skin ball there. I don't know what to do. I know I'm gonna fail this year cause I am not understanding crap. But my teachers are ignoring me. Ignoring me no matter how high I raise my hand. I get in trouble if I stand up. I am just tempted to sit in the back of every class. Do work. Go to lunch. Sit outside. Read. Go home. Read. just give up any contact. Maybe then Ill be happy.

Friends. Seriously, am I not aloud to have a true friend? All them are getting close to know some secrets to use against me. Or they get mad at me for having a crush on someone. They try to change me. I am not aloud to be me it seems. Like honestly, I am a shy girl, I like to be myself a goody two shoe that is a teachers pet does work, not drugs or any of that crap. They want me to have sex for peat sake. SEX. Just .. I'm not aloud to say my age. But I am WAY to young for that. I don't even. Just. Why? Why cant there be one true friend for everyone. That's all I need. One true friend.

Love. Yes, I just said I'm young. I don't give a crap, I'm nearly old enough to drive I'm getting my permit soon. So I can talk about this. Is it so hard to find one right guy?! One! Not one that wants sex, or wants to move to fast, or is dating you because he feels bad, not a guy that is betted or dared. Just one simple guy, a sweet kind hearted guy that is fun and understands you. Is it that hard to find that kind of guy anymore. I met a friend, and he seems perfect. In every way. Body, personality, everything. But what happens? My ''friend'' pulls him out from under me. Cause shell give him sex. Shell do anything. Yet she has a fricken boyfriend, so shes cheating on the one guy I thought I could .. love.

Just why. Why cant I have one true friend, stop getting bullied, get some attention, find a sweet guy. Why? Is it so hard to ask. Honestly. I have been thinking of giving up on everything. Love, friendship, school. Just crawl into my room and never come out. Cause there I have all my friends, books or not. Their my only friends. I cant drop of school, but I wish I could just to end the pain. I mean even coming on here anymore I don't feel welcomed. And SC is like the family I never had. I cant trust anyone in my family. Not even my parents. So its bad when I cant trust either of my families.

-Sigh- Please people who are reading this. Help me. Right now. I just feel like no one cares. Drama queen I know. But I have felt this for three weeks now.

[axel]

I'll do my best to offer any help you need, Ama.

School/bullies: Want me to come there and show them what a REAL bully can do? I can come over there after a week or two of not having my meds and open a can o' SS whoop-ass on them!

Love/boyfriends: if you're so young, you've got your WHOLE life ahead of ya to find the right guy! It took me until I was 22 or 23 around there to find Stephen, and we've been inseperable...

As for family: You know enough I love ya, just by posting this I am showing you that I do care.

[Tundra ?]

Well, do I have some advice to share. :3

I don't have a real true friend either babe, and you know what? That's okay. It's nice to have a few buddies, friends that you can go to, but I'm not sure if your religious or not- of you aren't please don't feel likeim trying to push something on you or be offended by it- but I live with God to get through my bad days. And it helps. I was truly amazed. Weird, right?

And waiting is very true key to a good friendship. As with boys. Waiting to find the perfect guy is what matters. And you know what? You've got something that they don't. You're untouchable. Those people who sleep with everyone for their own selfish pleasure, that put pressure of sex on you.. Your a virgin, something that they will never be able to get again. You've got something they don't.

I hope that helps. As for bullying, I truly hate that there is no one you can turn to. (Maybe a paster, somewhere? Youth group leader? ;3) Were always here for you.

[seriously]

Dear Amaia,
Once upon a time, Sero was a freshman, thinking everything was going to change in the transition from Middle school to high school. Popularity for one thing was always a dream, to be under the lustworthy spell of a male, get invitations to homecoming piled up, to have a table of friends at lunch, to not get bullied. Sure, everything changed l, for the worst. Obviously I had not taken into question that I was indeed a freshman, or freshmeat. It was so awful, instead of having one grade against me, I had four. I found myself completely bombing every class into a state of neglect, ignoring lunch all together and sitting in bathroom stall (totally disgusting) and trying to avoid life all together. It didn't help, bullies attacked me for being the shy little emo girl, and I knew it was true. All I wanted to be was perfect, a model with a story book boyfriend, a best friend who never left my side, stood up for me, stayed by me. It was kinda hard when I always felt fat, my hair was constantly being dyed, my love life was nonexistent and I had exactly zero friends. I was pushed into a state of depression, my dad was always at work and my mom had been gone for years so no one noticed. I starved myself because I wanted that perfect models body. It almost killed me and I was okay with that. Finally someone took a hint, a lunch aid notified the office that I wasn't eating lunch and my bones were visible through my shirts when I took my sweatshirts off. I had to go to the guidance councelor everyday for the rest of the year and eat lunch with her, she talked to me and became really close. When a new student moved into town she assigned me to tour him through the school, but he was no stranger. Chase was my best friend throughout elementary school but he moved away in7th grade. We immediately regrouped. Over the summer our friendship grew, my depression lessened at least until sophomore year started. Eventually things got even worse and O tried to overdose on medication. My dad took me to the hospital as soon as he found me and I began to take anti depressants and go to therapy which really sucks. Suicide is a bad idea. Then I tried starving myself again. Finally I realized that it was actually makind me chubbyer than normal. I stopped and took a few minutes to realize. Oh my god. Life is so beautiful and it's only going to get better, if I want to I can go anywhere and it all starts right here. I was t happy before, I saw everything negatively like a black and white movie and if I looked at it another way maybe it wouldn't be as bad. A Little fish once told me to just keep swimming. So I swam and I got straight A's that trimester and I started making friends because I was a nicer, more sociable person, and I started to be a vegatarian and running to get my anger out. All those bullies became nothing when I stood there and gave the the ... and walked away. I was stronger and I was happy. That's all that maters.